In chaos and ridiculous times, I often find myself clinging to the only thing that I can reach. Although I wish to say God, the answer is myself. Throughout the tiresome schedule of waking and sleeping, eating and talking, my head seems to turn off and my heart resides to only pumping. All around me I see that time is leaving me behind, and that I am trying to catch up in an inevitable failure. “But how are you doing?” so many people ask. Wait, did I not just explain myself? In times of peace and relaxation, I often find myself clinging to the only thing that I can reach. Again, this is not always God. Sounds familiar does it not? Always, I take on the world and relationships onto my own weight and before I know it I’m playing the God of this city.
I’ve grown to accept my heart’s failures and inability to trust in Him at times, only so that I may seek Him with a greater heart for perseverance. But how am I doing? I’m alright. Tired, but alright.
What I do wish to share is what God has revealed to me through His Word and my own struggles as a Christian.
You see, I invited a handful of church friends this last Saturday morning to take on an adventure of hiking and reading the Word. Our target was this: to finish the book of John and walk through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. We arrived at the spot of choice to read and we sat down, seeing the deep valleys of nature and trees that enveloped us amidst the sunlight.
John taught me things when I read through with my brothers and sisters, as well as in my life as both a Christian and a leader. I saw that my heart was becoming prideful, people-loving, and all in all, like a pharisee.
Now in John, I saw how much the Pharisees made guest appearances as unwanted antagonists, and this made me dig deep and study what they were doing, and why they were so blind. I came to realize that this moment in life right now had many reflections of these Pharisees, where I would take on these tasks and refuse to keep seeking what is true, and often what is right in front of me.
There is so much in John that depicts many of my actions, where I am constantly angry at people, or unable to see clearly. An interesting passage in John 12: 43 says “for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.
I’ve always prayed for a correct and true view of God, where his soverignty is known.
In John, I found myself telling the Pharisees to open your tiny eyes, of course they were not Chinese, but because they were so blind with their pride that they could not see the Son of God, the Messiah before them.
I have learned that it is not me. It is not me who is in control. The Pharisees thought they could control all things, but they were so blind, and they were at loss because of this. I am not in control of my life, but that God is able to give and take away, even when things seem so bland and unappealing. Life is full of God, and we need to accept that and live in all of His Glory.