These past few months, I stumbled upon a very dark side of my heart, a side that displayed faithlessness and anger. I realized just how imperfect my heart and life was, and saw how subconsciously I was acting out in so many sinful ways. I kept looking back to God, asking for Him to to help me find my place again, to pick me up and give me a shove in the right direction. I did not know if I had feet anymore, I felt handicapped, almost even in an emotional state. I tried to find what went wrong in the past year, where I slipped and became incapable of living, and honestly, I still have yet to find the answer. My time now is to reside in prayer to God and to ask for renewal, an uplifting of the spirit.
I take a step back and glance at the spectrum of my years and estimate the exact time my slip occurred, but something kept telling me that it was a blind search, that I was never going to pinpoint the place where my life slowly crumbled from a boulder to a petty stone. I try to ask my good friends around me if they notice a change, in behavior and heart, but they cannot tell either. So what is this? I try to search within to see if my faith is founded upon the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and it is. I try to see if my worship of both life and music is rooted in loving God and loving others, and here I see an interesting issue. My worship through life has stumbled in loving others the way God loves them. I recognize that my heart has not been able to look upon those around me with a love that knows no bounds, and I am near tears thinking that I have come such a far way to see that I ended up where I started. I picture a younger me just in negative awe of how much I’ve tripped up, how little control of my life I laid before God. My true faithful self would have told me to offer everything to God, and not hold anything back. I see my struggle at the moment. It is not necessarily an issue of faith, but of applying this faith, living this faith out.
I see how much I’ve let off the leash around me, that I’ve passively played the role of a leader these past few months. I know that I need to find my feet, and ask God to pick me up once again and give me strength to run to the goal. I need to understand the meaning of being made alive in Christ, being active in the Gospel, and living entirely for His Glory.
But please pray for my journey of finding the road where I’ve strayed from, and that I would not grow weary or prideful in the process. God’s Love and Grace extends with open arms, and I need to finally see this and take a firm hold. For God is the sole purpose of living, and the sole reason for seeking purpose.